Xsplit Vcam https://www.xsplit.com/vcam

The only other easy tools I know with bokeh as good are a DSLR w/ UVC, Lumina webcam's software (maybe licenses Vcam, it shares features?), Reincubate Camo, and now Apple's Continuity Camera in portrait mode.

All of those give bokeh that feels extremely natural. Camo lets old phones and Android phones be used as webcams, so you can use the bokeh mode in the phone. But Xsplit Vcam and Lumina's driver work with any webcam and have both a fully adjustable blur, and a "cameraman" mode that keeps you centered in the frame when you move around or sit differently.

The blur in Zoom and Teams are embarrassingly terrible. Given these tools exist, one wonders why.

FWIW Camo also works with any webcam now, also.

You could probably do something using OBS with the virtual webcam feature and some plugins

Don’t do that. Those blur effects always look so bad.

strong disagree. If someone's in their home office, I'd rather have it blurred for both of our sakes

Why? In my office, you'd see me (of course), and some bookcases behind me with a bunch of very SFW books. What's so offensive about that?

The space can be messy and I don’t want that as a distraction.

To be an equal participant in a call it is better to be on video, otherwise you tend to be seen as not a full participant. You words tend to have more impact when you are visible. It’s also better for human relationships to see each other when you are talking.