> Basically this means that in modern dating, if you are short, you are very likely to die alone and this trend will only get worse in the future.
I'm 5'6, and after almost 15 years of dating sites to modern dating apps, I have indeed accepted that yes, I will very likely die alone. My therapist has even half-seriously suggested I try lying about my height, and qualms aside, from the studies I've read, any plausible-in-person exaggeration would gain me a couple of percentile points at most.
Trying to play a broken game honestly, is a losing proposition.
Social taboos get established to keep the winners winning. Go find yourself a gold digger. It is fine. Maybe go date women in cultures where 5.6 is not too short. Hell, I'd say that a mail order bride (more likely an economic refugee who appreciates your wealth) is still better than dying alone. It is a brutally objectifying system and you have to play to your strengths.
Sure, there are social taboos around this. But when the system fails you, you have to look at alternatives outside. If you are too insecure about being THAT guy, then lie about till you start believing the lie.
Every non-abusive individual deserves an honest chance at pursuing a relationship. If the thought of dying alone is painful, then cheat the system.
All is fair in love and war. Haters be damned.
P.S: get out of the bay area / seattle. These places are dating deserts.
P.P.S: it is obviously advice for the the edge case. Only refer use it within the context of traditional options having died out.
I'm a short guy (5'6") married for nearly 2 decades to an even shorter woman (4'11"). Perhaps its easy for me to say it because I've beaten the odds, but it seems to me it would be better to die alone than to be in a shitty relationship or to be in a relationship with someone that thinks they are making a concession by dating a shorter person. People cannot help what they are/are not attracted to so I have no animosity towards women that like tall guys, but even if that shrinks the dating pool 200x that's a better situation than wasting time with a person that isn't really into you.
Also, gold diggers are shitty people. You can't have a real relationship with one.
I can't blame the desperate people that volunteer to become mail order brides for thinking that screwing over some poor sap from a 1st world country is a lesser evil than them having to remain in poverty, but you'd have to be insane to marry one.
There's no way to cheat the system, if a person isn't genuinely attracted to you, whether its physically or otherwise, you have no chance of building a life with them that's going to make the two of you happy.
It’s not beating the odds though. There’s countless millions of women around the world who would be thrilled to be dating a 5’6” American/imperial unit user. The problem only exists if you limit yourself arbitrarily to a very small pool of women having a particular nationality and skin color.
95% of women are not American. And only a very small percentage of those are gold diggers or mail order brides. The vast majority are just normal people with normal dreams of having a modest family.
If someone is 5’6 and having trouble meeting someone, they should consider if their own criteria are irrational.
>And only a very small percentage of those are gold diggers or mail order brides. The vast majority are just normal people with normal dreams of having a modest family.
I wasn't saying that all women are gold diggers or mail order brides. I was responding to a person saying that a short man struggling to find a long term relationship should look into those two options.
>It’s not beating the odds though.
I was mostly joking by this, although I have beaten the odds in other ways by being married to the same person for almost 20 years (at least by US standards).
>If someone is 5’6 and having trouble meeting someone, they should consider if their own criteria are irrational.
Human trafficking doesn't become acceptable because somehow you believe the person is getting enough out of the deal. If you have to rebrand a trafficked individual an "economic refugee" you are working on a marketing degree not a conscience.
There are billions of women out there and they can't all marry the 6'6" quarterback because there are only so many of them in the universe. I find that people who claim that the mating game is irretrievably broken often have the idea that they are of a certain caliber and wont consider anyone beneath them.
This attitude is usually combined with a complete failure to understand their actual grade in the opposite sex' eyes, a negative attitude, and or inability to function in this arena.
Basically usually 5s and 6s who are convinced they are 8s and 9s who disdain women who are also 5s and 6s while projecting a negative dejected attitude. This might not be you but its like 90% of the people who project the same attitude.
Most of those are in other countries though, so you'd have to be willing to date internationally ("mail order brides"?) to meet them. And if you're American, a large number of foreigners may pretend to love you only to divorce you the moment they get a green card out of you.
I have never heard of anyone who got scammed for a green card not least of which because to get a green card good for 10 years you have to actually stay married at least 2 years. Seems like a very long con.
There are in your own locality as a young person just as many eligible females as their are males. Odds for the woman actually get progressively worse every year as the population of eligible males decreases faster because young men die more frequently and exit the effective marriage pool from her perspective in other ways whether it is because they have non intention of looking for permanent attachment or because they prefer young women regardless of their age.
Why would they date people who they don't want?
The lower your expectations into the gutter advice is blindly parroted but is idiotic.
Being alone is a lot better than finding someone who sucks.
the "system" isn't failing you, because there is no such thing as a system, and even if there is, this system isn't there to benefit you or ensure you don't remain maidenless.
> Every non-abusive individual deserves an honest chance at pursuing a relationship.
Yes, but it's only the chance is given to you, not the result. It's not like there are regulations preventing you from seeking a fruitful relationship.
> Every non-abusive individual deserves an honest chance at pursuing a relationship.
Darwinian evolutionary theory dont's say 'Survival of non-abusive individuals', it says 'Survival of the fittest'. Not having a relationship is evolution's way to kill your genes because they are not fit for reproduction, and that's why its so painful, because you instinctively know you are dying. That's why people do crazy painful dangerous things as enlarging their legs bones.
Someone is going to have to define, a little more explicitly, what a mail-order bride is, since the actual catalogues which inspired this term haven't existed in 2 decades.
Meeting any partner who isn't currently a US Citizen if you are is abusive? Meeting any partner who was born of lower economic status than you is abusive?
I'm an American man engaged to a foreign woman and am familiar with all of this - including negative stereotypes of cross-border relationships that in any other area (race, gender, orientation) would long since be considered deeply bigoted and unacceptable.
I'm a tad over 6' but girls are so used to guys lying about their hight that they usually say I'm 6'2". On multiple occasions I've had my date insist over my objection that I must be taller than that.
It's not a stretch for me to imagine that widespread lying by men about their hight has actually collectively made the problem worse for men, e.g. women insisting on 6 feet because they've dating 5'10" guys claiming to be 6" and decided that was the minimum.
So awkward. I'm just over 6'2" -- and at a recent family reunion had to deal with everyone saying I must be at _least_ 6'4". Because I was much taller than the other 6' guys there... and if I dispute it too vociferously, it's almost an attack on all the guys around me who are lying about their height. It seems there's a 2 or 3 inch bump across the board.
Ya, that happened to me once (Im almost 6’2’’). A guy who couldn't have been 5 10 was insisting he was 6 and that I was taller than stated. What was weird was that we were alone. He was only lying to himself.
And you know what, he was a bit weird looking. He had bad posture. But he was a good guy. A smart, hard working guy with a big heart.
This height thing is annoying. Id gladly trade inches of height in exchange for other inner character traits (courage, perseverance, conscientiousness). Intelligence I have to spare, but what good is it without character?
Sometime in the middle of last year I was seated outside a coffee shop and a guy comes up and he's like "how tall are you?" So I say I'm 6'2", which I am, approximately (age shrinking does not seem to have set in last I checked) - and he goes "oh cool I'm 6'8"." and then just turns around and leaves. Though I wasn't checking, I don't think his height was actually much different from my own. Apparently he needed to feel ultra tall or something.
When I consider all the cheaters in online video games who do it solely to "subtly" pad their stats, it's not really that astonishing that widespread height cheating would be a thing too.
one thing that people don't realize is that they shrink as they age past a certain point (common to lose an inch), and I believe that bad posture can increase this. When I was 18 I was 6'4 but I'm pretty sure I must be around 6'2 - 6'3 by now. So maybe he got measured one time, without taking shoes off, and stood up really straight and he got told 6 when he was 5'11.6, and it's been like that in his head ever since.
While this does happen, and someday it will happen to me if I survive long enough, I gained close to two centimeters in height within six months of starting a regular weightlifting program which is heavy on squats. Apparently there are enough small support muscles along the spine that bulking all of them up buffed my height stat.
This is distinct from the practice teaching me a more upright posture, which it also did, this isn't subjective height, it's the kind you can measure at some gyms on the weight station in bare feet.
Edit: occurs to me this raises... certain questions! Nothing more biochemically interesting than creatine.
to clarify, because that is what I was last measured at, don't know if I shrank, and anyway don't want conversations, oh people shrink with age about 1 inch so I am probably 6'3 seems too much for someone who asks what height you are which is just filler conversation.
Im a quarter inch shy of 6’2’’. So, indeed, 6’1’’.
My old man is 6’4’’ and when I was young he’d rib on me that I never got past 190 (we’re metric background). Now I don’t care much about height. At 70, he’s shrunk to my eye level and of all his traits height is the one Id rather not have inherited and gotten his monastic character instead.
I've had almost this exact thing happen to me a couple times. 5'11,'' so it is impossible for me to state my height without calling out 6' guys who are shorter than me.
It's definitely gotten silly. I'm 6'3" and I have repeatedly had men tell me they were the same height. While in front of me. Looking up at me. I can't do anything but wear a bemused smile and change subjects.
That doesn't make sense, surely these women know their own height and can estimate from there. 2" is about 5cm, that's a substantial error when it amounts to "how much taller are they than me" and that gap on average is <15cm in USA.
I used to be 6'1" but have reached the age where you shrink. I am now also a tad over 6' and always answer the height question as 6'. My experience is similar to yours. Some women insist I must be 6'2". A couple of times I have just said that maybe I'm closer to 6'1" because it was close to becoming a full blown argument. Needless to say there were not 2nd dates with those women.
Being at the age where you shrink is also the age where many of the women you meet were formerly married. It is amazing how many of them have said that their former spouses were shorter to just taller than them and it bothered them the entire marriage. They say they will never make that compromise again.
> They say they will never make that compromise again
Not surprising to see this sentiment from a group whose marriages all failed. I expect the biggest prediction of long term marriage success is the willingness to compromise on much bigger things than this.
I'm 6'2" (happily married). Yes, I've been confused at other 6'1" and 6'2" guys out there - there IS definitely a fair bit of fibbing going on I think.
That said it doesn't come up that often in my circle.
Just stop using apps like Tinder, they attract the worst of the worst, by what I see, especially in the US. Even if you were above 6', you wouldn't want to date a woman obsessed with height.
In my group of friends, the shorter ones (around 1,73m) are the most successful ones.
Come on, women aren't a monolith. We're talking about one factor (height). It might be important to some women, it might not be as important to other women.
Obviously those percentages can't be accurate. Just look around. The average person at age 35 is in a long-term heterosexual relationship. That's still the default. Not everyone, but way more than 20%.
These kinds of power law statistics describe sexual attraction and activity, but that selects for different characteristics than long-term relationships - where things like intelligence, honesty, reliability, etc., come to the fore.
It shouldn't need to be said, but Tinder is not representative of all human relationships.
How are all the women settling down with 20% of the men again precisely? A women would rather have all of your attention, time, and resources than 2% of a slightly taller dudes.
so you're saying you've never had a date. I'm like 5'8 maybe 5'9 depending on when you measure me. it's not that hard to get a date. I even have computer nerd chub.
I'm an old man with children. Fortunately when I was dating, internet almost didn't exist. Women barely had any choice except the guys they saw everyday. Now is a total different world.
This is like the single lump of labor fallacy except its the single lump of mammaries fallacy. There are still roughly the same number of women chasing the same number of men in a larger more connected graph as there are in many smaller disconnected ones.
Even if you assume temporal polygamy (serial marriages), I would consider an individual with one woman for 20 years to be more successful than one with 5 women 10 years each.
1.7m vs 1.8m is a difference of 10cm. That's WAY too large of a difference to not settle on using cm. Adding an additional decimal point would be oddly specific.
Ah, so it is. The converter I used gave 5 feet 8.11 inches, and that last number tripped up my mental rule for rounding measurements in 12-inch feet such that I came out incorrectly with 5'9".
Lying about your height is actually an acceptable thing to do if it is to get over people's prejudices. In all honesty a good chunk of the people you encountered probably wrote you off prematurely anyways. But online dating and Tinder isn't great when you're trying to look past superficial qualities (your face, your height, your basic physical characteristics) so it's setting you up for failure, not to mention the way these apps are setup makes it really low effort for men to and woman to each have unrealistic expectations, and setup the vast majority for failure.
But if you're still looking for things to try, I would recommend you get some activities (sports, hobbies) and meet people outside of a purely dating context. People's guards will be down and they'll be evaluating you on your other qualities rather than height in these contexts, and the extra time you spend with them is exactly what you need for them to overcome their prejudices.
Thought experiment: Can you apply the same process to other characteristics? For example, is it ok to lie about your race to improve your chances with racists? Even if that works, should you?
Yea, if you think they'll forgive you for lying. If you're asking if it's worthwhile to court a racist then that depends on the other person. Obviously if you can turn them from a racist to not a racist then it's a worthwhile endeavor.
Well since race is an arbitrary social construct with no consistent, objective definition then anyone can choose any racial identity they like without it being a lie.
But when I was in the dating market I wouldn't have been willing to date a racist anyway, so the question is moot.
No only is that first sentence logically groundless, in that the consequent doesn't follow from the proposition, it is also dangerously untrue, please don't go around pretending to be of a racial identity you are in fact not a member of people really don't like it.
I'm 5'5, pretty average (ie. not rich or particularly physically attractive), and I've consistently had attractive romantic partners my entire life. US-based, metropolitan area if that matters.
I don't really have any advice, but I really don't think your height is limiting you. Don't get me wrong, it's definitely harder than if you were six inches taller, but it's not that bad.
It's one factor of many that affects your overall attractiveness and many people don't care about it at all.
I’m also 5’5 and don’t really have this problem. I was upfront about my height on dating sites back when I used them and a few women mentioned it was a dealbreaker but that also never stopped me from getting plenty of matches and going on a lot of dates.
These anecdote-based "it's not that bad" comments are very misguided. Even the OP article clearly points out statistically even small differences like 5'7 vs 5'8 make huge differences and something like 5'6 to 6'0 can have 200x difference.
This is by no means "fine" seeing (1) finding a romantic partner is one of the most important determiners of mental health (2) youth today is going through a huge social isolation crisis. If you're short you're seen (not explicitly, but through statistical regression to the mean) as a lesser person.
I think it's absolutely crucial to understand this is not "fine" and compansate accordingly. This seems like the responsible truth to me.
Yes at the very least it’s important not to hide it because it acts as a great filter for those who do care about it (which I’ve never been bitter about either—we all have preferences in attractiveness)
IME Dating apps are a terrible way to meet women. All they have to go off are a few pictures and some numerical stats - and it's a sausage fest, the odds are stacked way against you.
I was never as appalled as I was when watching very successful, intelligent female friends of mine use Tinder. The shallowness of it is unparalleled. The quickness with which they'd reject perfectly good looking people was hard to believe.
There's a lot to say about how the structure and dynamics. of a tool guide how we use it, and that's very much at play here.
These same people acted FAR different in the outside world. I think the notion of a complete lack of scarcity leads our brains in this unachievable quest for perfection (based on nothing but a picture).
I'd say get off the platform, but you also have to go where the people are! I'm just glad I'm not dating anymore.
I'm not denying there's a preference. I'm saying dating apps amplify them by putting them front in centre. Where as you meet and have a good rapport with someone IRL you're not probably not sitting there thinking "Wait is he an inch shorter than my minimum height on tinder?"
Dating apps are a way to gain insight into how UX manipulates desire + how applications produce behavioral statistics which we then clumsily project into iron laws of psychology.
Move to India! You’ll be average height and being white will be a big plus.
Also, I'll observe that the median Hispanic man in America is a hair under 5' 7" (66.7"), yet Hispanic couples account for almost a quarter of births in America. Just a data point!
When lacking height, you need to compensate by boosting other markers, that women latch on.
Things like managerial position, luxurious housing, car, dressing etc.
They don't, and after nearly 14 years of relationship & marriage & kids, I don't think women really care. But it gives confidence, and confidence makes you attractive.
Stop thinking about it and grow a pair. It pays off. I had a lot of anxiety too when I started dating. Just act like its not a issue and the right girl will too.
My theory is that if you stay in a city, you are very likely correct. In a city you have to compete with men much taller and attractive. And women have access to hundreds of those men 24/7 through their cell phones constantly hitting on them. You won't win, but in a smaller city/rural town, you have much more chances.
I am a 5'6 man. I still think a city is much better as I assume the 5'6 man has standards, too. It's not like finding a partner who is willing to settle with you is difficult at all - it is finding one that you feel meets your level of fitness, intelligence, and social status which is considered high (other than your height). In a rural setting you are going to be very limited but a city definitely has options.
I would say be patient. I think as you grow older it becomes less important. And even if 80% of women have fairly strong height preferences I think a solid 20% have close to no preference or would care but are very short themselves.
If your goal is to settle down—as seems to be a commonly expressed desire in this thread—you might find that conservative women are more like minded, for obvious reasons.
Conservative women are more likely to value traditional family structures and gender roles, and thus place a higher priority on getting married and having kids. Even controlling for age, etc., conservatives are 25% more likely to be married than liberals.
I think lots of “liberal” guys would be happier in a conservative environment,[1] with the greater social structure and narrower horizons of conservative society. If what you really want is to settle down, have kids, and live a normal life, you might be making yourself unhappy trying to hack it in the NYC or SF's dating market--which is full of ambitious, individualistic people who aren't placing a high priority on those things. Consider that you might be happier moving to a red county and finding a conservative woman whose life priorities may be more aligned with your's--even if you may have abstract disagreements on immigration policy or the long-term effect of the welfare state.
[1] Of course the opposite is true--but liberally minded people who can't wait to leave Iowa is a well-known trope. We don't talk so much about the folks who went to the big city for education or career opportunities, but would actually be happier in Iowa.
Lol at the emergence of all these archetypes about the dating market etc. you’re not out buying consumable goods; you’re looking for people to spend time with and enjoy each other’s presence. Everytime I hear people complaining about this it is always transparently clear from their own words that they are the problem. Conservative environments are not a plus, but instead a reservoir of retrograde perspectives and unimaginative implementations of false concepts of historical precedent. The lamest approach.
you wouldn't believe how hard they have it when trying to find men who know things about things. It's not very difficult if you actually treat folks with respect except in perhaps the most conservative of places.
Rural America is probably a few inches taller on average than the cities. Also the gender ratios there for young singles tend to be as bad as Silicon Valley.
I am the same height as you and now married. 10-15 years ago I came to the conclusion that dating sites and apps are the last places I should try. They encourage people to pre-judge you based on superficial characteristics that you can never win. It's simply not a fair fight. I've found that I stood a better chance in face to face situation: at least then I can display unique characteristics rather than just be a sheet of specs.
My wife also happens to be shorter than me and she has never been on any dating site.
How about trying a different city/country? In Warsaw, Poland, the gender inbalance is like 2 to 1 single women to men around the age of 35. This makes women drop certain criteria, and height may be one of the first to go.
Tall women are easy to get dates with, well unless they are the fashion model types who are hot enough to get the in-demand tall guys. There are lots of cute tall women who are unfairly neglected.
I'm average height and was married to a 5' 11" woman for a while. It always felt weird. It's much more comfortable for me to be with a woman who is a similar height, or a touch smaller, just for ergonomic reasons like how it feels when you hold hands or put your arms around each other.
I don't understand hot short women demanding tall guys as a kind of trophy. I know they can get them, because they are hot, but they'd be more comfortable with someone closer to their height.
My girlfriend is 5'11" (and taller than me, and a model, dancer, etc etc) and yes it is a bit hard to reach standing, but I figure that's a common human experience. Sitting down and such you don't even notice.
I haven't asked if the concept of needing an even taller guy has ever occurred to her, but the even stranger one of either of us caring if she's wearing heels sure hasn't come up.
I know many people shorter than you and are quite popular with girls. Look outside your own countries , for example , someone average could become very popular in some Asian counties if you are white. ( not that I agree with it but it is the reality) .
I have a friend who is not more than 5’4” and is incredibly popular with women. He works out a lot and has studied the art and science of getting women interested in having sex with him the way I studied electrical engineering.
move to an east coast city, wait a few years (older women care less about this stuff), get in good shape, start drinking and going to bars/meetups/events, especially related to your hobbies
Brother do what I did move to south America, the dollar goes a long way and the ladies love their short kings. I'm amazed walking around here in Argentina how many couples where the woman is a head taller than the guy. Spoiled american women won't go for a guy a head taller than her.
I don't understand how some men will adopt the belief that they're doomed to die alone and would rather accept this fate than simply move to a better dating scene, or just get a mail order marriage.
They adopt this belief based on repeated experience. You're going to take their entire life of observations and tell them to just try harder? What do you think they're doing?
I've seen lots of people (in other contexts) keep failing and give up simply because they are too rigid in their thinking and refuse to try other ways.
No, I'm telling them to do something drastically different, like leveraging that western citizenship / green card or that sweet tech salary into finding a wife. It's unromantic but better than dying alone.
It really makes a lot of sense, especially for tech cities where there's literally too few women, and the men have good jobs and incomes, why not match them with some of all the women around the world who would love to have the opportunity to start a family there.
But that means the local western women would get increased competition, so that will of course needs to be shamed and frowned upon, I don't understand how it's any less romantic than the shallow greedy american women and their 6 foot 6 figures standard.
Its not the height, its the strut. Online women cant see you strut so heights the proxy.
My wife's cousin’s 5’6’’ but Ive seen women go up to him and strike a conversation by the way he walks. Ive been in parties where he’s nailed every girl (including sisters and wives) in the room. Me? Nothing much, and Im 6’2’’
I'm 5'6, and after almost 15 years of dating sites to modern dating apps, I have indeed accepted that yes, I will very likely die alone. My therapist has even half-seriously suggested I try lying about my height, and qualms aside, from the studies I've read, any plausible-in-person exaggeration would gain me a couple of percentile points at most.